Paper Dreams.

#75: Summertime.

2011-07-25T01:11:00.000+08:00

"Thinking back, thinking of you."

#74: Sidestep.

2011-05-20T19:20:00.000+08:00

It's 'funny' when you look at incomplete jibber-jabber written once upon a time and it still remains so pathetically relevant today. About a year and a half ago, while I was still living in the old house and sleeping in my brother's room, I wrote a few lines about trust.

"Is it just me or is it extremely difficult these days to put your trust in someone? Nobody seems completely deserving of it - to know the workings of your complicated mind.

The bottom line is that it's difficult to put yourself out there; to be willingly vulnerable to an array of emotions; to be able to tell your story whole without the fear of being judged or misunderstood.

But could it be that the wall we build is simply because we expect too much of the people we surround ourselves with? We delude ourselves with the image of perfect companions, blinding ourselves from their blatant faults. We fear the possibility of being left with nothing but ourselves and the stories we've repeatedly told so instead we hide the deepest and most important facts from the world, making sure nobody gets close enough to start peeling the layers of the onion.

Mistrusting really isn't so much their faults as it is ours. Who holds the bigger responsibility - the truster or the trustee? Can you blame someone for pursuing what is important to them and leaving you behind? Should you be more careful in sharing your life stories and dark thoughts or should the others be more cautious with that priceless information?

I guess at some point you just have to make the decision to leap. Close your eyes, hope for the best and maybe you might just survive the fall."

Exactly seven months after writing this, I met someone I would soon learn to trust wholeheartedly with every thought and emotion that ran through my being. I would (slowly but surely) learn to share my everyday with this someone, my good and my bad, and in turn be rewarded by happiness that could not be compared to anything else I've ever felt before. Ten months after that, I would have my heart broken and be left questioning why I was foolish enough to go against my principles and give my trust away.

The truth of the matter is, everyone leaves. Some willingly and some...not so much. You start alone, you end alone and everything else in between is you trying to build some sort of survival mechanism to get by. So can you really blame someone for walking away if you weren't the correct piece to their life's puzzle?

"And long after I've gone, you'll still be humming along."

#73: Boulevards.

2011-04-18T00:56:00.010+08:00

It came to me as a rather sad awakening that exactly a year from the day I knew I wanted to be with you, I realised that I don't love you as much as I used to.

"I don't know where we are going now."

#72: Whirlwind.

2011-04-05T00:03:00.000+08:00

I've said this more than once today already but I'll say it again - I can't believe it's been an entire year. It was a night (and day) so unexpectedly fun with people I barely knew (other than a certain Kubhandren Padma) and my oh my, was it an event to remember.

As I sit here in the Malaysian heat and look back on anything and everything my memory can gather from that night, I can honestly tell you I have nothing but fond memories and smiles (:

The night that started it all, I must say.

(Slightly amused that this picture is also missing Ilyas)

"It's a wonderful night, you've gotta take it from me."

#71: Balance.

2011-04-01T00:26:00.005+08:00

I hope you don't mind,

I hope you don't mind, that I put down in words,

How wonderful life is, while you're in the world.

April. You have finally arrived. I was waiting for you for the longest of times, counting down with sheer excitement and happiness. But of course with the recent turn of events, it saddens me to admit that I don't expect much from you any more. I suppose in some ways, you still remained true. You were supposed to be the month of new beginnings and unforgettable memories. I just didn't think it'd be in this way.

"You know I love you so."

#70: Change.

2011-03-27T01:22:00.002+08:00

The irony that this was written hours before it happened;

"It's difficult being in a relationship that your family does not approve of. More often than not, you're left questioning if that pain, constant heart ache and disappointment really is worth it. Will the guilt of hiding and sneaking around soon fade away?

In time you begin to question how much you can possibly put yourself and your significant other through before it becomes too much to handle. At which point will the weight on your shoulders be too heavy to carry? Will it all pay off? Would things taken a turn for the better?

If there's anything I've learnt from the last ten months is that wishing and hoping won't get you anywhere. Relationships are hard. A relationship like this is even harder.

But if it really is what you want, fight for it. Fight for it and give it nothing but your best, even if it means putting your heart on the line. Let's face it - living thinking of the 'What If's' won't get you very far.

It's no secret that relationships require so much energy, so much time and so much commitment. But is that something to really complain about? Doesn't the ~~good~~ great outweigh the bad? We've all heard that nothing good comes without a fight. So fight for what you believe in and what makes you happy instead of just pleasing everyone else around you.

With that said, believe me when I say that this is a lot easier said than done. It takes plenty to gather the necessary courage to pursue this. But if you don't do it for yourself, who would?

Hang in there, with every ounce of strength you could possibly muster. One day, things between the both of you would be amazing. And you'd sit back and wonder how it is you could ever think of giving it all up."

One month (and then some). Truth be told, it's been heaps more difficult than I could have ever imagined. You were the one I turned to when things got rough, so it hasn't been easy trying to let go of that and adjust to this nightmare that has somehow become my reality.

But I know eventually I'll be okay. I'd deal with things and sadly move on. Because I'm destined for great things, even if it means achieving it in an alternative reality than the one I had planned in my head.

But I still really wish you didn't have to leave.

"We're fated to pretend."

#69: Young.

2011-03-22T01:14:00.000+08:00

I live life by dates. It has always been an instant memory jog for me.

So it doesn't really come as a surprise that when it happened three weeks ago, one of the many thoughts that ran through my head was how I was going to survive the 21st. It really is too soon to say forever but for now, that still is our date - even if we never celebrated it in grand fashion.

Sometimes I find myself fooled into believing that this is just one big long fight. That all we need is a little distance, some time to recuperate and then we'd be right back on track. It always seemed to have worked before. It always made me feel like we were coming back stronger.

I keep thinking about this one fight we had before you headed back to school one week. You were so mad and I was so upset and time just didn't permit us to fix things right there and then. So we gave ourselves a day and reminded ourselves why we were still in this together. I made a trip down in the morning and we talked for hours and I left feeling more loved than I could have imagined.

I really wish the solution to this whole big mess would be that easy. A simple drive over to fix things so we (I) can be happy again. Happy with one another, happy with each other.

"And I don't want to fall to pieces."

#68: Fate.

2011-03-03T23:59:00.001+08:00

And I just want to be with you too.

"Remember how this used to be."

#67: Relapse.

2011-03-01T21:23:00.002+08:00

Found this picture on Tumblr.

It came with the caption, "That's actually how girls sit when they're upset. And that's actually how a guy would sit if he was upset."

How very true.

"But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding."

#66: Treasure.

2011-02-27T22:08:00.000+08:00

As hard as it is to admit, I know this feeling oh-too-well.

Don't get me wrong, I am an independent person - I've been alone and can very well survive alone. But I damn well know it doesn't beat being in someone's arms and suddenly having all your worries disappear. For those few seconds / minutes / hours, everything is okay again, the sadness that once consumed you is replaced with security and almost immediately, you feel loved, you feel protected, you feel watched over.

Because deep down inside, that's a feeling everyone yearns for.

"And I swear, this is true."

#65: Destination.

2011-01-19T01:04:00.000+08:00

To be honest, it was never really my intention to leave this space unused for so long. I have had many posts swirling about in my head - especially about my birthday (the memories are still fresh; puts a smile on my face whenever it crosses my mind) - and with much enthusiasm to share them with the world, may I add.

But alas, time forbids as there are many more pressing datelines to attend to; ie family obligations, the start of a new semester and impending doom otherwise known as my first year finals (eek!).

Hopefully in the coming days/weeks/months, I'd be able to make more time to sit myself down and write (well, in this case, type).

With that said, here's yet another video of a song, just because it's been playing in my head for the last couple of days. Gets me every single time, it does. No matter who sings it, where its sung or what I was doing at that time.

"Even when you're gone, somehow you come along."

#64: Colours.

2010-12-01T21:33:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if they know how much hurt they've caused in their vow to love and protect.

"And I give up, I let you win."

#63: Mayhem.

2010-11-22T01:24:00.013+08:00

Every time I feel your chain and pendant around me, I'm reminded of the love ~~you~~ we have for each other. It's comforting to have something of yours with me all the time - be it when I'm at school, out with friends or even sprawled out on my bed fast asleep. I've grown so accustomed to wearing it on a daily basis that I now feel bare without it.

And every time I slip that piece of silver over my head and around my neck, I'm filled with a little more hope that one day, some day, this will all work out for the better.

Happy seven months (and one day), my love ♥

"Take me to the place where you go, where nobody knows if it's night or day."

#62: Redemption.

2010-11-09T22:29:00.000+08:00

Four years and three months, Jon G.

It gets easier day by day, but truth be told, you've never really left my mind.

"The clouds in you eyes, down your face they pour."

#61: Blanket.

2010-10-24T01:07:00.000+08:00

Talking, laughing, crying as well as being physically and emotionally close to you.

The perfect Saturday morning and beginning to my weekend.

"Mess up my bed with me."

#60: Over.

2010-10-22T23:58:00.000+08:00

There's no place like home.

But if home doesn't accept me for who I am and the choices I make, where else do I have left to go?

I would very much like to escape right now- even if it was just for a moment.

"So here we are in this same old spot."

#59: Switch.

2010-10-19T01:53:00.006+08:00

If you are going to fall in love with me, it’s only fair that you know what you are falling in love with.

You are falling in love with my insecurities, and my obsession with trying to figure out what everyone thinks of me. You are falling in love with my immaturity, my constant need to feel loved and appreciated, my overactive tear ducts, my internet obsession. You fall in love with my troubled past, and my hopes and dreams, and how I’m a hopeless romantic at heart. If you fall in love with me, you fall in love with my self-hate and all my imperfections and my perception that nobody could ever love me.

But, you are also falling in love with the way my eyes will smile when I’m with you, the way I’ll text you in the mornings just telling you I hope you have a great day. You’re falling in love with the occasionally humorous and/or thought-provoking things I say, and the way I blush when people ask me about you.

But to me, the most important thing will be that you are falling in love with me, despite me thinking that it is impossible.

Happy (almost) six months, D. I love you more than I could have ever imagined. xx

"I don't quite know how to say how I feel."

#58: Dreams.

2010-10-11T22:21:00.000+08:00

Fourteen months ago I would have never pictured myself to have embarked on a year long journey that I have so plainly dubbed as my 'gap year.' I didn't see it coming, nor did anyone around me. But I had set my goal and was determined to exhaust every possible option to achieve it.

So I did. I took a break, I self studied, I resat papers, I reapplied for scholarships. I traveled, I learnt new things, I took up a job, I met new people, I spent more time with the family. Which is why me still being here surprised me.

I honestly didn't think I'd be here come October '10. Everything was planned out so nicely (and neatly) in my head - Fresher's Week, Christmas breaks, trips during summer, concerts, time in between classes, the fantasized perception of how university life would be. ~~Maybe that's the problem - getting in over my head~~. I've grown up being told that if you truly want something and work hard for it, you're bound to achieve it. Clearly, there seems to be a loophole.

I shall not lie - I am disappointed. I think anyone in my position would be too. It wasn't an impossible dream. It's not that I didn't gain admission, it's not that I didn't get the best results I could achieve, it's just that the financial barriers were built too high and even though I tried, it is obvious I didn't do enough to break it down.

With all the said, I have learnt to rebuild yet again. I know that the chances of me getting the university life that I have imagined are slimmer than slim. I'm still adjusting. I still whine and moan and ponder over what could have been, although I do believe I'm getting better with each passing day. I know many feel like I've over-reacted with the entire situation but believe me when I say I cannot think of anything else I've wanted more than this, for whatever reason I may have had.

The forces of the universe seriously did play me out on this one though I have to say, that despite everything that has happened in the last year, I still have that tiny bit of faith left in me that things will work out and in the end, these universe taxes I pay now will reward me in the future.

E d i n b u r g h, you'd definitely be a story for my kids.

"Back beat the word was on the street that the fire in your heart is out."

#57: Slow.

2010-09-29T00:48:00.000+08:00

I don't usually read forwarded e-mails and then proceed to post them on my blog, but with race and religion being such a big issue in my life of late, I found this really worth the read. Enjoy (:

Written by Sharyn Lisa Shufiyan, 24, Conservationist,

Great Granddaughter of Tunku Abdul Rahman.

Both my parents are Malay. My mum's heritage includes Chinese, Thai and Arab, while my dad is Minangkabau. Due to my skin colour, I am often mistaken for a Chinese.

I'm happy that I don't have the typical Malay look but I do get annoyed when people call me Ah Moi or ask me straight up "Are you Chinese or Malay?"

Like, why does it matter? Before I used to answer "Malay" but now I'm trying to consciously answer Malaysian instead.

There's this incident from primary school that I remember till today. Someone told me that I will be called last during Judgement Day because I don't have a Muslim name. Of course, I was scared then but now that I'm older, I realise that a name is just a name. It doesn't define you as a good or bad person and there is definitely no such thing as a Muslim name. You can be named Rashid or Ali and still be a Christian.

I've heard of the 1Malaysia concept, but I think we don't need to be told to be united. We've come such a long way that it should already be embedded in our hearts and minds that we are united. Unfortunately, you can still see racial discrimination and polarisation. There is still this ethno-centric view that the Malays are the dominant group and their rights must be protected, and non Malays are forever the outsiders.

For the concept to succeed, I think the government should stop with the race politics. It's tiring, really. We grew up with application forms asking us to tick our race. We should stop painting a negative image of the other races, stop thinking about 'us' and 'them' and focus on 'we', 'our' and 'Malaysians'.

No one should be made uncomfortable in their own home. A dear Chinese friend of mine said to me once, "I don't feel patriotic because I am not made to feel like Malaysia is my home, and I don't feel an affinity to China because I have never lived there.

I know some Baba Nyonya friends who can trace their lineage back hundreds of years. I'm a fourth generation Malaysian. If I am Bumiputra, why can't they be, too? Clearly I have issues with the term.

I think the main reason why we still can't achieve total unity is because of this 'Malay rights' concept. I'd rather 'Malay rights' be replaced by human rights. So unless we get rid of this Bumiputra status, or reform our views and policies on rights, we will never achieve unity.

For my Merdeka wish, I'd like for Malaysians to have more voice, to be respected and heard. I wish that the government would uphold the true essence of parliamentary democracy. I wish for the people to no longer fear and discriminate against each other, to see that we are one and the same.

I wish that Malaysia would truly live up to the tourism spin of 'Malaysia Truly Asia '. Malaysians to lead - whatever their ethnic background. Only one nationality - MALAYSIAN. No Malays, No Chinese, No Indians - ONLY MALAYSIANS. Choose whatever religion one is comfortable with.

Remember it was Dr M & UMNO who destroyed Tunku's Malaysia .

MERDEKA
MERDEKA
MERDEKA

"Cause it goes on and on and on."

#56: Eightieth.

2010-09-16T18:17:00.004+08:00

"I say it so often these days because I'm so scared that one day I won't be able to say it anymore and you wouldn't know just how much I really do mean it.

I love you. I love you. I love you."

But I suppose that day has come.

"Grant my last request and just let me hold you."

#55: French.

2010-09-14T22:55:00.000+08:00

1.05am, 14th September 2010;

Why should I think the way others want me to think?

Why must my views be similar to those around me?

Why can't I be different?

Why can't I be out of the box?

Why are my opinions suppressed or ignored on the basis that I am nothing but a child filled with naivety lacking experience and exposure to the world?

Decisions are mine to make and mistakes are mine to learn. Building a fortress around me only fuels my desire to escape. To be free. To be me.

I don't understand. I honestly just don't.

"Breathe in for luck, breathe in so deep."

#54: Sugar.

2010-09-10T14:50:00.000+08:00

In my attempt to exhaust every technological outlet possible,

Merry Twentieth Bestest Friend! (:

I'll spare you from the long emotional post and just wish you all the best in the year to come. Great things await you, I can tell! Be good, stay safe and take care of yourself. I'll see you next summer! (:

"Remember that real friends last forever. It doesn't matter how often you talk, as long as you can pick up where you left off."

Lots of love from D & I xx

"Will it ever stop yo I don't know."

#53: Green.

2010-09-08T00:00:00.001+08:00

Some day (soon), I hope you realize that this chase for perfection is for you.

...because you deserve nothing but the best.

I love you.

"We can't rewind, we're locked in time."

#52: Chance.

2010-08-18T11:57:00.000+08:00

Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Happy thoughts. Easier said than done.

"If you're all alone when the pretty birds have flown."

#51: You.

2010-08-09T22:37:00.000+08:00

Four years, Dodol.

"Where do we go now?"

#50: Infinity.

2010-08-02T11:50:00.000+08:00

3950 miles away, but Superman still comes to the rescue.

"When you feel so tired but you can't sleep."

#49: Brick.

2010-07-30T15:11:00.001+08:00

I have to admit, I'm still not used to being here. Granted it's only been two weeks, but bearing in mind this is supposed to be home, it all still feels rather strange.

Essentially, I'm still in a suburb in Petaling Jaya (albeit more north) but extraneously, I feel like I'm living slightly in a daze - despite being at the same ol' dining table using the same ol' laptop wearing the same ol' pyjamas. The surroundings are much different from what I've grown accustomed to. The wind blows a lot stronger (I've spent many a night with just the windows open and the fan switched on), the space is a lot bigger, the streets are a lot quieter and even though my room is my room, it sometimes feels like I'm just temporarily staying at a stranger's place.

I'm sure that with time things will gradually become more familiar. After all, two weeks cannot compete with the eighteen years I've spent at the old place. I would have much preferred to have somehow virtually (and visually) documented the last couple of weeks, but the lack of proper internet connection hindered such plans. The irregular bits of updates has been messing with my OCD mind in ways I cannot possibly explain but with my fingers, toes and all other limbs crossed, I'm hoping to jump right back on the blogging bandwagon and keep this tiny bit of cyber space I call my own, regularly updated.

Say hello if you're reading this (:

And have a lovely end of July, whoever/wherever you are (: xx

"And I, I am feeling a little peculiar."

#48: Landmarks.

2010-07-06T01:31:00.000+08:00

"It's like I'm doing the worst I can to make you understand."

#47: Raindrops.

2010-06-29T23:13:00.000+08:00

Reeve Carney is pure sex appeal.

Seriously, what's not to love?

"I've got to let you let you let you go."

#46: Tough.

2010-06-29T17:23:00.000+08:00

Why does it have to be so damn hard?

It breaks my heart every time you make it seem like I expect you to be someone else. Is that really how you see me? Someone who can't accept you as a whole? Someone so controlling that I have to try and change every little thing about you? And if you're thinking I'm wishing you to be someone else, does that mean you're doing the same?

Well, here's the thing - I don't expect you to be anything you're not. I like you for who you are. There's simply no other way to say it.

"You yell, I yell, everybody yells."

#45: Weather.

2010-06-26T00:33:00.000+08:00

I feel like I should be happy. Happy that all I've been working for over the last two years might just come true. Happy that I'm one step closer to actually realizing this one goal I've set out for myself.

Trust me when I say I was so ready. So ready to conquer the world. So ready to leave everything and everyone behind. I relished in the fact that I had no strings attached and no complications and absolutely nothing to hold me back.

But now that I'm closer, I'm left with this bittersweet taste in my mouth. I want what's best for me because I know I deserve it. I'm just not as convinced that this is it for me.

I know that I'm in love, I just don't know with what. So I'm left here begging you to remind me.

And on a somewhat related note;

Because you're the only one who would wait outside with an ice blended frap just to show me an 'I like MM' tee. At this point, I don't think I could be any happier.

"And I thought it was strange, you said everything changed."

#44: Up.

2010-06-17T23:39:00.010+08:00

Happy Belated Birthday, D (:

"Just shout whenever and I'll be there."

#43: Pepper.

2010-06-12T02:04:00.000+08:00

All that I'm learning from you right now is to lie, stereotype and judge people by the colour of their skin.

Good job.

"And it's open for destruction, you've found all the words you need."

#42: Overload.

2010-06-08T01:27:00.000+08:00

I need to make lists. Lists will help. Yes it will.

"Now I'm fill to the top with fear that it's all just a bunch of matter."

#41: Take.

2010-05-25T22:39:00.003+08:00

Wow, it's been an entire month (and then some) since I've last published a post here.

In my defence, I have had drafts of posts swimming around in my head. But alas, time did not permit and the days seem to just roll on by. Before I know it, here I am, facing the end of May. Where did my entire Spring go?

As an apology, here are some happy shots from the last month (:

"For what it's worth, it was worth all the while."

#40: Lips.

2010-04-22T01:11:00.003+08:00

First (sort of) empty house visit (:
First time in my room.
First (censored).
First (censored).
First official day.
First attempted sneak out - which failed.
First meal together.
First meal with my family (ever).
First family 'crisis'.

...all in one day.

Now how could you ever say you're not special?

Oh, and apparently I start rambling when I'm nervous.

"Feels wrong at the right time to reveal my hand."

#39: Again.

2010-04-13T16:14:00.001+08:00

"It's a shame, it's a shame, it's a perfect shame."

#38: Slumber.

2010-04-12T00:43:00.047+08:00

ANNOUNCEMENT

Evidently, my judgement on boys has become increasingly horrible as I've gotten older. So, I have officially given up and surrender all my authority to Kubhandren Padma who, from this point onwards, shall filter all boys for me.

~~Yes, he may just accept bribes.~~

And on a (somewhat) different note,

It's been stuck in my head for days now.

"But you give me almost nothing."

#37: Blossom.

2010-04-04T03:11:00.012+08:00

In case you haven't realized, I reallyreallyreally want to go to the beach.

(Okay fine. I might just settle for a swimming pool.)

Who's with me? (:

"I don't care if we don't sleep at all tonight."

#36: Country.

2010-03-30T02:05:00.002+08:00

So I am 100%, beyond a reasonable doubt, definitely, completely, utterly confused.

Yeah, just thought I'd put it out there.

"I'm a professional cynic but my heart's not in it."

#35: Story.

2010-03-26T20:31:00.003+08:00

There have been many moments where I look back and am reminded of just how lucky I am to have you. I know your love is (pretty much) unconditional and I know you'd go to great lengths to give me the best. ~~Well, whatever~~ ~~you~~ ~~think is best anyways.~~

But sometimes I feel like we're both on a totally different page. You don't listen - a fact I've pointed out many a time. I usually brush it off, chalk it up to the fact that we were born in different eras and it isn't always so easy to adapt to changes, especially after years of being accustomed to the social norm you grew up in. I don't think you realise just how much I understand your point of view. I am reasonable, even if you refuse to believe it.

Maybe that's why I find it so hard to believe your argument last night. It was totally uncalled for, to be honest. Totally unreasonable. What made it worse is that you refused to hear me out so I just sat there, albeit dumbfounded at the utter rubbish coming out of your mouth. How is it possible that the man I've placed trust in, that I look up to and admire can bring himself to accuse me of such degrading things? I really thought you knew me better.

I feel like every time I manage to break down this wall between us, you build it up again for no reason but to simply prove that you can. And here I was thinking we were better than that; that we'd break out of the norm, that we'd strive for a better and longer lasting relationship. Why is it that you're so keen on pushing me away?

I hope you know that I don't really want to leave. But sometimes you make me feel like I have to.

"Took my heart to the limit and this is where I stay."

#34: Right.

2010-03-18T01:17:00.006+08:00

My Chemical Romance
John Legend
Incubus
Panic at the Disco
Jason Mraz
N.E.R.D (among others)
Black Eyed Peas
All-American Rejects

and now,

Placebo.

"No one can take it away from me and no one can tear it apart."

#33: Deep.

2010-03-10T11:02:00.000+08:00

Fuck.

I have honestly never been this scared in my entire life.

"So whose fault is it anyway?"

#32: Woodchucks.

2010-02-28T14:34:00.001+08:00

I miss feeling connected with someone through their music.

Music has and probably always will be something immensely personal to me. Allowing someone to scroll through my iTunes / iPod / music folder(s) is like allowing someone to sneak a peek into my past. Pick a song and more likely than not, I'd be able to relate it to some sort of event that had happened or person that has played a role in (cue cliche-ness) who I have become today. It never fails to amuse me how instantaneous a memory is triggered, almost within the first few beats played.

As I lay awake on my bed a few nights ago (due to this sudden bout of insomnia), it hit me just how much I miss sharing songs and the likes with someone else. Sharing the joy, the pain, the excitement, the overwhelming emotion that is evoked by words strung together with a melody. I suppose there's just something so joyous when you find someone out there who listens to all the same (weird mix of) tunes that you do and most of all, enjoys as well as appreciates it just as much.

But perhaps I have simply spent too much time creating this person that just doesn't exist. After all, isn't a person's music taste like a snowflake? Similar but never the same.

"I said change the beat fast or your enemies will see you naked."

#31: Spark.

2010-02-20T19:32:00.000+08:00

"But I wish it was me you chose."

#30: Cobwebs.

2010-01-28T13:26:00.008+08:00

As I was completing an Accounting past year paper yesterday, I realised that if you combined the initials of the months July until November, it'd spell out J.A.S.O.N.

I then excitedly proceeded to text a number of friends, expecting their minds to be blown away as well.

To much disappointment, the only replies I received were:

"Urm, point being...?"

"You studying too hard twin. Go stick head out of window.
You need fresh air."

"Wowwee. Now you just have to see if you can find Jason a surname."

"The lack of sleep has finally got to you."

Gee, thanks friends.

On a related note;

"Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya tomorrow!"

#29: Chair.

2010-01-25T21:50:00.013+08:00

Easily one of my favourite songs (and/or covers) ever;

"But you don't really care for music, do you?"

#28: Choose.

2010-01-15T16:06:00.007+08:00

I rarely ever rewatch seasons I've already completed but Skins Season 3 is definitely something.

And this, my friends, shall me a one time only thing.

I'm not really into declaring love for fictional characters but Effy and Freddie, you are the only ones keeping me sane in this brief period of insanity.

Freddie Mclair, marry me please ♥.

(End of Creepy Fan Mode)

"I'm so excited, I'm in too deep."

#27: Say.

2009-12-29T17:41:00.001+08:00

December has been a dry month. With everything that has been happening, I must admit that I haven't given myself enough time to sit and think and just let the all the wandering thoughts swallow me whole, let alone blog about them.

My ridiculous sleep pattern is beginning to take effect. I don't think I've ever had eye bags this horrible. Sleeping close to 5 in the morning and waking up four hours later must not be good for the body. I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be long before I start hallucinating and hearing (more) voices in my head.

With the new year only three days away, I feel like it's only customary to look back at the year that was. Only one word comes to mind - bittersweet.

There were friends gained and friends lost; acquaintances that grew closer and best buddies that drifted apart. There were arguments and there were reconciliations; mistakes made and lessons learnt.

In short : There were good times and there were bad.

I shall not lie. There is a strong mix of fear and anxiety building up as the new year approaches. I am forced to still hold on to my faith that things will somehow work out, even though we cannot see it now. At risk of putting too much hope in the year to come, I must say that 2010 does seem like the year for wonders.

But for now, all I can do is keep my fingers (and toes) crossed.

"We'll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne"

#26: Badabang.

2009-12-15T01:41:00.006+08:00

"Thanks for the memories, even though they weren't so great."

#25: Dirty.

2009-11-30T00:44:00.004+08:00

Last night, I dreamt I was dating...

Luke Pasqualino

Completely ridiculous (not to mention impossible) but I guess I've made my choice ♥.

On a side note, I think I might just miss Sunday mornings with you.

"And my dreams is never quite as it seems."

#24: Rain.

2009-11-27T15:56:00.004+08:00

I can't remember why I fell in love in the first place.

I've been trying to figure it out over the last few weeks but I haven't had that "Eureka!" moment just yet. I'm beginning to think that maybe I made it out to be better than it was. Maybe all I wanted was the ~~people~~ person and that just made the love grow into something it never really should have been.

The countdown is now at ten months - hopefully.

Just like you said, I need to know what I'm working for.

"Just paint the picture of a perfect place."

#23: Home.

2009-11-25T14:58:00.003+08:00

Last night's lullaby.

"I'll pretend that I'm kissing the lips I am missing."